Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The insomnia bug has bitten me again...

So, again with the no sleep. Well, that's not true. I've fallen asleep and woken up about one hundred times already. So I decided to get up and do something useful. Like read stuff online. And attempt to type with no lights/contact/glasses on. The contact and glasses is not an either/or thing. I wear both. At once. The glasses are to correct the vision in my left eye, and the contact is to help correct my awfully nearsighted right eye. So that I can wear cool glasses, because waaaaaayyyyyy back when, when I didn't wear contacts, my glasses were a nasty combination of one normal-sized lens, and one coke-bottle lens. Very attractive. There was a point to that whole story. Let me try and remember what that was. Oh yeah...I'm seeing how proficient I am at typing. So far, so good, but if I make any huge cutting-and-pasting corrections, my face will be up close and personal with the keyboard.

So a date has been set for Olivia and I to leave. We are going on the fourth of November. We're flying, because it's getting further into winter, and I just don't want to drive through the mountain passes. Been there, done that.

I was talking to my mom on IM today, and she made one comment that totally pushed me back into my chair. And made me cry. She wrote, "It's really amazing how strong you can be, when you really have to." Words are very powerful that way. I consider my mom a pretty strong person, and for her to see that in me, really meant a lot. Because I don't see myself that way sometimes. I get so scared sometimes that my voice cracks, and one of my legs starts shaking. Shaking so much that I feel like I can't support my own weight.

Mostly, I get scared about the future. I haven't worked in nearly seven years. And there's some other things I haven't done in that time, either. I haven't paid a bill. Balanced a cheque book. Done the primary grocery-shopping. Gotten an oil change for a car. Remembered the tires need balancing and such.

But, there have been things that I have gotten the courage to do. I can jump five lanes of traffic on I-5 in less than a half mile to make the exit. I can take Olivia out to Seattle, just because she loves it. I can figure out online banking. I can call the same Human Resources person repeatedly, trying to actually get her at her desk.

I can find my voice. And maybe a greater sense of myself, not only for me, but for Olivia.

And I will be okay.


Blogger Karen said...

You will be just fine, and so will Olivia. I just wish we could have met!

Oct. 24, 2006, 10:59:00 a.m.  
Blogger Karen said...

Yeah, there is something to be said for being blog "pen" pals. :) I'm so glad you're keeping up the blog.

Oct. 24, 2006, 11:58:00 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Oct. 25, 2006, 12:03:00 a.m.  
Blogger Princess Zarko said...

You are strong! You always were! You just needed a reminder!

Oct. 25, 2006, 10:20:00 p.m.  
Blogger Sarah said...

From reading your blog you are amazingly strong. I think much stronger than I would be in the same situation.

Oct. 27, 2006, 7:49:00 p.m.  
Blogger Sarina said...

You will be leaving soon, I am guessing it will be sort of surreal. Good luck with the packing, you have mentioned that it is not your favorite.

Thinking of you... and doors that open and close.

Oct. 29, 2006, 9:56:00 p.m.  

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